What love looks like to me!

My husband is a good man to the core.  I know a lot of people have not and probably still don’t agree with all the decisions he’s made in his life. Even I, at times, have questioned some that had to do with our family. But the past two weeks I’ve realized what a great man my husband is and know that I will never understands how much he loves me.

Two weeks ago, January 26, 2012, I was carrying my sleeping two year old to the car to pick him up from work. I fell down our front porch stairs holding him and severely sprained my right ankle and broke my left leg (fibula) and my left ankle.  I had surgery January 27^th, the next day; the doctors had to put a plate over the left side of my ankle and screw it back into place as well as put some screws in the right side of the ball of my ankle to keep it in place so I can walk again.  I cannot bear any weight on my left foot at all, believe me I did accidentally and it hurt incredibly bad.  I have to go back in 3 months and have the screws out.  I have an ortho boot on my right leg to help me “hop” using my walker to get around.

The way our house is built makes it difficult. We live in a two story house that has at least two stairs to enter the home at all three of our outer entrances. The living room has two stairs to get from it to the bathroom, kitchen, formal living room, and the stairs to reach our bed rooms.  I am living in the living room with a portable toilet. My husband lays out food for me that won’t spoil during the day so I can eat as well as bottles of water.

After telling you all this you will understand why he is a good man and the best husband.  Everyone likes to think that in a time of crisis no matter how big or small your partner will be there for you and do anything for you. Mine does, he makes sure I have what I need, he slept on the floor and love seat downstairs with me because the house makes noises and I was scared. He waits on me constantly when he’s home because I can’t go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, he changes the pot I have to use the bathroom in and never once has said anything about it. Yesterday, during the super bowl, him and his dad brought down the bed so I could sleep because my back was hurting bad from the recliner. He didn’t complain about it or say things under his breathe like most guys would, like I probably would have.  He makes sure I have everything I need.  He has to wash my hair, get me a bucket with water so I can “take a bath”. He had to pick me up to get me on the porch to get into the house because I can’t do stairs, and I’m not a small girl.  I literally can’t do anything without him, and he doesn’t mind!

I hate being dependent, I can’t believe how much I took him for granted before all this. Yes, I know it’s not like I’m paralyzed or had brain surgery but this is physically the worst thing to happen to me and he has shown me so much love and patience through it, more I think than some men would. He leaves for work some days at 7:30 others at 8:30 and gets home around 8 every night. He comes in says hi and heads straight for my “bathroom” to change it. I don’t know of any other guys that would do that.

I love you John Donophan, you are the best man for me!

What EVERY church member needs to realize about their Pastor!!!!

My father is a minister, he started going to college to be ordained when I was about 5 years old. He graduated from Southwestern Assembly of God University in Waxahachie, TX. He has been the pastor of 4 different churches in his almost 20 years of ministry.  We moved roughly every 3 years and he HAD to have a second full time job while we were at 3 of the churches. So for the first 12 or so years of his ministry he was working two full time jobs with no days off and we never took a family vacation. He worked 7 days a week and there were no set hours because anyone who knows a minister is aware of the fact that they are “on-call” 24 hours a day, and people expect that of him!  There is no benefits package with this job, sometimes we lived off eggs for a week or so. No one really understands the hardship a pastor or his family goes through to be able to do what God has told him to do, and it’s all for the people who sit in pews on Sunday morning and hopefully appreciate and respect it. 

Now that you know a little (and I do mean very little) of my personal history with this subject I will explain what I really want to explain so people know what your pastor has given up for YOU.  I have two children now they are 3 and 2. My father has missed my 2 year olds birthdays for 2 years. Why? Because a church member expected him to drop everything with a week’s notice to do a service for them, he didn’t complain, he just called me and said he couldn’t be at a family function.  My high school years, I played volleyball, basketball and did track and field my freshman year. My father was able to come to the very last volleyball game we had that year that was the only game he was able to attend.    Funny how every other parent can attend their child’s games and functions but a minister is expected to be where others need him to be at any given time regardless of his plans or his children.  As a pastors kid you learn to get used to being on the back burner because other people need your father more than you do (or so they assume) and you have no choice and neither does the pastor because that’s part of the job. 

When I bring my kids up to visit my mom and dad, he has had a funeral or wedding or a visitation he had to do so he missed time with them and me, which I get it is important but for people to not even thank him afterward is really selfish.  I feel that people take advantage of their pastors, they don’t think clearly.  If you have been planning a surprise party or memorial service for weeks, its selfish to just assume he has nothing else to do that day and wait until a few days before to ask because then he has no choice but to say yes or else he looks like a jerk when in reality the person asking is the thoughtless jerk. No one realizes the sleepless nights, the ridiculous hours, the work load that ministers have.  He goes to the church around 8 or 9 in the morning and finally gets home to 5 or 6 depending on what board meeting, class, or meeting with a member he has that evening so he then goes back to the church just to get home around 9 or 10. No one else goes to visit with their family and has to wait until 11o’clock at night to actually spend time with them.

I am very aware that everyone deals with difficult people at work and it’s not just pastors who do. I work in the church division for a photography company, I work with church people all day and I hate to say it but they are all the same. They all expect you to wait on them and give you attitude when you mention that you can’t because your job ends at 9:20pm. I even got this attitude at my father’s church doing their directory, granted they didn’t recognize me or know me because I hadn’t been there in a while but a few people did come and treat me like scum.  It happens in every church, in every city and every state.

So on top of pastors sacrificing their family events for their congregation they have to put up with a lot of bad attitudes, rumors, accusations, from the same people he is sacrificing his family for, do you have to miss your child or grandchild’s birthday? What about a sporting event of theirs? Do you wake up at 4am to shovel snow out of the church parking lot? Do you volunteer for church functions so your pastor doesn’t have to do EVERYTHING? Do you not visit your children when they’re in the hospital because you have work to do? Do you only hear “thank you” one day a year from the people you work for?  Do you get paid overtime when you have to leave your bed at 2am to go to the hospital to check on someone? 

You see on top of preaching a few times a week your pastor has a heck of a lot more on his to do list. A full time minister has to be available 24/7, they have to put up with horrible people and their attitudes, they miss their children growing up, they don’t take vacations because they can’t afford it, they don’t go to pro-ball games because there is no time for it and they can’t afford it, they have no personal time and when they do take a few hours its interrupted by phone calls which pulls them away from it. 

I hope this gives you a little insight as to what your minister does, bear in mind this isn’t a complete list, you wouldn’t be able to handle reading every single thing your minister/pastor does.

...UGH...

I am a PROFESSIONAL photographer. I have been trained and have a good eye as well as talent, am i perfect, not at all.  My prices are more than reasonable and i got into doing it as a business so people like my "friends" in a less than prosperous area would be able to get great quality portraits with out paying the rediculous prices.  So now that i am doing it they choose to go to people who do them for $40 or free and they are aweful, this pisses me off. I know what im doing, i have the equipment, i have the experience and yet they'd rather pay $40 for less than mediocre crap by a fauxtog than pay $100 for quality portraits and that is including prints from a photographer!!!!  I am the main provider and i work full time for olan mills but that job is commission based only and i only get paid by how much people buy on the days i work.  I havent worked 150 days this year which means we havent had money!  I watch people drop $200-$500 on portraits at my job yet i cant even get people to pay $50 (a special going on right now to get some business b/c an accident i was in i couldnt work for a while).  People piss me off.  They will go out of their way to go to someone who has no idea about  posing, head heights, lighting, concepts, etc. and get crappy results than trust me.  JUST B/C YOU HAVE A CAMERA DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PHOTOGRAPHER NO MATTER HOW PROFESSIONAL THE CAMERA IS  THE PERSON OPERATING IT, IS NOT!!!! If you havent been trained or taken classes or what have you then you're not a professional.  This was a hobby of mine for 10 years, i have talent and i have know how!   YOU WOULDNT LET YOUR KIDS FIX YOUR CAR JUST B/C THEY HAVE THE DADS TOOLS THEY WERE PLAYING WITH WOULD YOU???  so why go to someone who doesn't know what they're doing just cuz they're cheaper?   AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH   creatingmemoriesphotography.org   im worth more than what i charge! my co workers get pissed at me when they find out how low my prices are, but they understand quality!

My Feelings on this 10th anniversary

so today marks the 10th anniversary of September 11, 2001.  I was in 10th grade. sitting in 1st period my teacher pulled a tv shortly after the 1st tower was hit, we watched all period long. in what i believe was 3rd period my history teacher pulled in a tv, i saw the plane hit the  second tower and we watched both fall. i was wearing a black skirt and top with wedges...i remember b/c i looked down at myself shortly after the 2nd tower fell, i was in awe, didn't know how to react and ill be honest didn't even know what the WTC's were. Over the years ive been watching documentaries and reading stories about the events. Today i read and saw a picture of people jumping to their death, it was not a vulgar disrespectful images like most out there. It stated simply, "People who could not bear the heat anymore make the decision to jump to their death, two people held hands the whole way down..." would i be courageous enough to make that decision? if i did would even my best friend or even my husband support me enough to hold my hand to our deaths? its a powerful image, but that was a powerful day.  What happened to america's short lived unity? its only been 10 years, i know a lot can change but i never thought we'd hate each other more than we did before. HBO has a great documentary about the resilience of america afterward it features 84th floor survivors, President Bush, Rumsfeld and other survivors of that day.  It goes beyond just 9-11 to cover Anthrax and the shoe bomber...you can find it on Youtube. Another good one i found was also on youtube Portraits of 9-11 by aaron neighbor, it has footage ive never seen before and if you can get past the arabic music in the begining you'll really appreciate the images and video footage he captured to tell their story so well.   I always felt the shanksville, pa flight was "overlooked" so to speak but this video lists every name of every person who died on september 11, 2001.   I didn't know anyone personally who was in any of those places on that day but i do have emotions, fairly similar to that of those who have. I know what its like to lose someone close to you and you never really get over it, i can't image how it feels to lose someone so sudden or only be 11 days old when your father dies (a story in one docu) live life to the fullest, be happy and try to remember EVERYDAY not just on the day of their death the good times you were able to have with them.  My wish, all the victims families as well as survivors are able to find the peace God can give them to go through life having been affected by another persons choices. 

life sucks and so does our government.

Life (for me anyways) has been full of a LOT of ups and downs. Mainly downs. I find it disgusting that after you live your life you have no choice but to die.  Why are we here if we're ultimately gonna die and eventually never be thought of or talked about again. In the past 4 years i've lost 4 members of my family. April 2007 i lost my Aunt, in the fall of 2008 i lost my Grandmother in law shortly to be followed by her mothers death in october 2008 and now my Grandfather in law died today shortly after 4p.m.  all of whom died from cancer.  Every year me and my husband have been married we've had to endure a death in our family, i can't help but think "who's it going to be next year?"... i think ive gone to my dark place where i really am starting to not care about things anymore. The last time i was here wasn't pretty but im willing to bet that no one in my family even knows i was there! i became good at hiding my feelings growing up. i have come to the conclusion that this world sucks....it sucks huge donkey balls. i know that im supposed to be looking past "this world" and i know the only thing that "really matters" is your relationship with God but i can't. i hate that my boys have another person that has left their lives.  I hate that i may have to explain to them why we can't go visit pop pop or tell them why he had to die.  i think there should have been an agreement the day you were born, if you live a good life and are kind, giving and just an all around good person you were guaranteed a certain amount of years to live and if you ended up becoming a criminal than your life was cut short.  that seems more fair to me than what is happening now. bad people live to grow old and good people die in their prime.  yea, i know all things happen for a reason but i think the reason my aunt had to die sucks, and i do question where God was in that...why?...because thats how i feel and im not gonna lie about it anymore. I dont see a reason for it and i dont like it and im not going to "get over it"or "move on". its been 4 years so obviously trying to do those doesn't work.  Im for the death penalty, im against abortion and the answer people have as to how someone can make those choices (b/c they think they are contradictory) is simple. An unborn child didn't choose to be created, and may not have the chance to choose what they will become, an inmate on the other hand had choices and chose wrong, they chose to ruin their lives as well as others. They chose to be men and women who do the criminal lifestyle, and most of them had second chances and blew it an innocent baby in the womb has not had the chance to make any decision for itself.  i dont think its a womans right to choose what happens to her body when it concerns another person if you look at statistics only about 10% of all abortions in the u.s. are from rape/incest so the whole argument over rape cases doesn't apply anymore. i knew a woman who has had 6 abortions!  6! she was having sex got pregnant didn't want it and got rid of it....6 times!!!!!  there was no rape/incest there! one of those babies could've found the cure for cancer. so no i dont think its ok for someone to decide that a life form wont get to fully form and have a chance to change the world b/c its an inconveniecne to them at that time in their life!  i am not a femenist, i think women should stay home (if they want) with their kids b/c you wont get that time back. i work full time and im gone at least 3 days a week  my 3 yr old told me today between sobs "mommy...i...dont like it when....your gone...on work....i.....miss.....you...." no mother wants to hear that from their kids. the person who could've solved this debt crisis (so i wouldn't have had to go back to work and be the provider) was probably aborted.  thats how i look at these abortions, those babies could've been or had the answers to some huge problems in our lives now.  i dont doubt that cancer wouldn't be a big issue now if one woman decided to put her own selfish desires away for 9 months and have a baby and give it  up for adoption or even keep it!    so theres my rant for today....death, cancer, abortion and life's problems basically coming down to our government legalizing immorality b/c they're too cowardly to leagalize morallity.

If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away...

so i heard this song the other day on my way home from work (a two hr. drive), "if heaven wasn't so far away" by Rhett Akins.  The song talks about how if heaven wasn't so far away he'd pack up his kids and go for the day to visit introduce his kids to their grandpa, visit old friends, and show his cousin a picture of his daughter he'd never met.  Needless to say its an emotional song. 

There is not a day that goes by that my heart doesn't ache for my Aunt. I have been an emotional wreck for the last 4 yrs because of her death. I cry over anything and everything, so you can only imagine that as im driving over the Bay Bridge and this song is playing that im balling my eyes out trying to drive. but this song really is the desire of my heart, i so wish i could take my kids to meet their aunt stephanie and their great grandma anne and great great grandma mayble. It breaks my heart that they'll never know the way she loved.

She had such a special way to make us feel individually important and loved and wanted. I miss her so much, sitting here typing and thinking about her makes me cry because i took our short time together for granted and i hate that.

She asked me (my senior year of high school) to come have lunch with her on mondays b/c i got out early and she only worked about 35 min away. Every monday for months we did that, just the two of us. My dad had this thing where when i did something or said something off the wall or "stupid" he'd call me "christa thorel" Thorel was my aunt last name. i told her about it one time and she said, "id love to have you as my daughter"...there was and is no one like her. I hope im half the aunt to my soon to be neice/nephew that she was to me.  i can only hope to show them how special they really are. 

It breaks my heart to a million pieces that Austin and Cooper wont know her. She would love them so much and she would LOVE to take them to the beach! I think of her every time we go, its hard not to since the last time i wen to the beach with her was for july 4th weekend 2004 in O.C. maryland and i live 30 min from there now.  She was always proud of me. She is the reason i do photography, she inspired me and i can only pray that she knows how grateful i am to her for it.

Stephanie, i miss you, i love you, not a day goes by i dont think about you. I can literally feel my heart breaking just thinking of everything i dont get to do with you anymore. I often listen to pop music just to imagine what she would look like singing along and dancing to it in the car. No one could ever come close to replacing you and no one will ever be able to love me and my brother and sister the way you did. Breast cancer doesn't define you and i refuse to spend a bunch of money of breast cancer stuff to "remember you by" i dont want to remember you suffering for weeks, i dont want to remember you as someone who battled breast cancer, i want to remember you for who you were the first 20 years of my life. The best aunt anyone could ever hope for.  "if heaven wasn't so far away id pack up the kids and go for the day...."  God knows id be there in a minute! 

All my love,

Your neice

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